Free to be you…kinda

I like to think I am a very open minded person.  I try to support the interests of my children.  I let them choose their clothes, etc.  I don’t even fuss when they proclaim to be a KU fan and a K State fan.  My daughter pledges no allegiance.  She’s a smart cookie.  I was even pretty cool last night when my Cyclones couldn’t grab a win in the octagon of doom.  Octagon of doom??  I much prefer the way Hilton magic rolls off the tongue, don’t you?  When I told him who one after he inquired from the other room, he was really quite ecstatic.  Ok. 
This morning, I thought nothing of it when he came over for a big morning hug.  He is my baby boy and probably a mama’s boy and one of the best snugglers in the history of ever.  He even whispers nice things sometimes too…which is what I was expecting when he leaned close to my ear.  After a pause, he whispers, “who won the game Mom?”  Ohhhh!  The grin burst out from ear to ear and he was sick with giggles as I chased him off my lap and across the room.  He was pretty proud of himself. 
It’s ok.
Funny how opportunities present themselves to you, isn’t it?
I found a gift for him while he was up the hill at his friend’s house.  I’m pretty sure he’s gonna love it! 
What do you think?
🙂
#scoreoneforthemama. #gocyclones

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Well Done Mr. Washington

You know those moments? The ones that cause you to stop and look around and remember how you got to here? Yep.
Just last night I was reading an old post from when MC was 5. We were having trouble locating his invisible boat. It made me laugh and it made me tired.
Each step of the way has been quite a lot of mountain climbing for us. Some days we hit a rough patch and slide back asswards on a slippery slope losing ground only to dust ourselves off and head back where we need to be the next day.
When you are a divorced mama with a child with challenges you (I) sort of reside in this perpetual cycle of adrenaline playing zone all by yourself being as proactive as you can while you dance and put out fires as they come. There is plenty of fun along the way too. It is just sort of an always on alert situation.
As you power through, you have less energy and space in your head for fun with friends. You are either resting from what just happened or preparing for what is up next. The way that I kept going was just not stopping much. Not connecting with friends. Not taking time for me. Not the best way to make it through.
This has improved. I have gotten better about breathing and connecting and just trying to slow down. No matter what the day brings, it is ok to stop and breathe.
Things have shifted. I don’t need to save the day as often as I used to. They are showing me again and again that we are slowly but surely getting there and I can stop with my mama warrior persona and let them do their thing…because they can.
What do I do with all my save the day energy???
I watch my MC deliver his George Washington presentation again and again to a really overstimulating room and just shine like crazy. Then I leave. I let he and his brother handle their homework all on their own…and I breathe. Their sister’s homework is already done because she is a rockstar. I get to watch basketball while they play because I can.
I make lunch plans because I know I won’t get an SOS call from a school. I knock out my work list because the snow days are over. I make art and remember everything that just brings me so much joy.
I look back and assure myself that while I can thrive and even dance in the middle of those damn storms…I’m actually just fine lounging in the serene waters too.
It’s ok to stand down. It seems Mr. Washington can take it from here.

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It’s a wrap.

At the end of this fine Saturday in cold ass February (come on, it’s true), I reflect on key attributes of good from today.
They are:
I signed up for a new painting workshop.
I returned yoga pants where the elastic was doing that rolling thing because that is so annoying.
I found a thumb hole shirt.  I love thumb holes almost as much as shirts with snaps.
My hyacinth is blooming and smells awesome.
I made art.
I played 2 chords on my guitar.
Iowa State won in their selfless lovefest.
My hair smells good.
I’m sure I forgot something.
What’s on your list?
How many things are required for it to feel like a good day?
I’m going to ponder that one.
DZ

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Snowmageddon 2014

This weather stuff cracks me up.  I grew up in Iowa.  There is a song about being stranded in Iowa.  There are letters about how awesome the snow is at first and progresses to insanity.  It is sort of like that.  So, if the cold doesn’t sting my face and the drifts aren’t up to my waist, I’m good to go. 
Snow days with my crew at the end of pneumonia recovery is interesting.  It mostly meant I didn’t get to go sledding (it is totally sledding and not at all sled riding…silly kc phrases) and I didn’t try to be very productive.  I picked a project!
My reading is all over the place.  Many genres, many books, pick up and put down a lot.  It is very haphazard but it serves me well.  I like it when authors craft their story around a token object and or a focus of information where within the narrative you actually learn quite a lot along the way.  With Secret Life of Bees it was about the beekeeping process as an aside and the black Madonna.  I was obsessed.  I did much searching and wasn’t satisfied with my findings.  In The Prayerbox by Lisa Wingate, she finds a lifetime of prayer boxes carefully decorated and filled for each year of prayers and tokens.  I knew I wanted to make a prayer box.  It seemed to coincide with my 2014 focus nicely and I hope it is the first of many.  There was stitching and painting.  It was a nice little brain break as I listened to the sledding party on the other side of the window.  I look forward to finishing it on snow day #2.
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Wishing you snuggly blankets and toes warmed by the fire with good food surrounded by those who love you best.
DZ

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Dating ( Totally the D Word)

I have been happily divorced for over three years.  Three years ago, one of my adorable children (who shall remain nameless) told me ever so casually that if I dated someone they would kick them in the nuts.  First I just stared.  I wasn’t talking about dating.  Why were they talking about dating?  Then we talked about appropriate behavior.  That conversation was met with a convincing stare.  Some day I would have to choose someone really tall and have cat like reflexes to save their business and avoid mortification.  I mean, you can’t be at a point where you introduce someone to your kids and ask them to wear a cup…can you??  Jeez.
My thoughts at that time went something like this: “This is me…offering it up.  I didn’t choose well the first time.  Please just send him to my door with a neon sign above his head and Jesus on one side and Buddha on the other, okay?  Then I will know.”  Of course, that won’t work now because I’ve gone and told you.  In reality, there was so much required of me, I couldn’t see where anyone would fit anyway.
Time passed.  We settled in.  Things got better.  I would have periodic offering it up conversations.  “Why do you keep parading that fella in front of me?  I don’t like his hair and he didn’t pick up after his dog.  I can say no.  No.”
More time passes.  My daughter starts telling me when she thinks she sees someone checking me out.  I tell her thanks and come on…I don’t give my number out in stores.
So eventually someone waves a neon flag at me and I get to realize I didn’t forget how all this goes and it is quite nice actually.  I also realize I like face time…not screen communication.  Good to know. 
The kids, meanwhile, have told their dad I am engaged to Steve.  They think this is wildly funny.  Who is Steve I ask.  They fall out with the hilarity of it all.
I am sort of opposed to strangers.  Only one time I broke my only-Facebook-friends-if-I-know-you rule and that creeper was blocked in no time.  Wow.
I am working on getting out and about to places that bring me joy.  I’m not much of a museum girl, which is odd because I have been thinking about it a lot.  So I got a membership (and a cool pin) and went.  Here is what I figured out…I like to walk around and soak it up and listen to others, but not so much with the talking.  Antisocial, huh?  Maybe.
Some things haven’t changed.  I’m shy.  I saw two very handsome men when I went in to get my bangs trimmed.  One was in the chair and the other was behind it.  Since they captured my attention, what did I do?  I looked away of course.  Why didn’t I watch the cut?  I could have picked up a few tips for my work on the boys.  Then when I got up to head to my girl, they gave me the best good morning and a nice big smile.  I returned the favor of course.  I will speak to you, I just won’t let you catch me watching.
All in all, it’s not so bad or scary.
Good news.
I won’t tell you to stay tuned because I’m not much for play by plays with all this.
🙂
DZ

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Another Little Secret

If you were to see me in any of my professional capacities, your impression would be fairly consistent.  If you saw me in most social situations or with my kids (most of the time), it would remain consistent. 
There is this one thing though…Iowa State basketball.  I guess you might not be surprised if you were a trainer with me in high school.  I didn’t like athletic events in college because I hated being so far from the sidelines.  I even thought about this as a career path, but I heard I would have to work on cadavers in kinesiology, so that was a no go for sure.
When the kids were younger I didn’t even try to watch.  I knew I would get interrupted and that would be frustrating.  This season?  The time has come.  They know there is no fooling around when mama is watching basketball.  The first game freaked them out I think (ok, I know it did).  I might have yelled.  I was for sure clapping.  Pacing.  Lots of talking to the TV.  It is ridiculous…and I love it.  Invite me to watch the game and I will smile and poliely decline.  This is a solitary activity.  You may see my nonsense if you brush your teeth under the same roof.  Well shoot, now that I think about that…I hope the neighbors can’t hear me.  If they did they would never believe it was me.  They would think it was my kids. 
Ha ha
BTW…triple overtime win breaking a 25 year losing streak at OSU.  No wonder I can’t sleep!
🙂

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The J Word

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I like to think I am a flexible centered soul.  Sometimes it is just not true.  My ego trips me up now and then.  It is so silly.  I know better. 
You see, I might be goofy and go with the flow and not really competitive, but in my head when it comes to exercise I am a tough as hell warrior.  I am still the college girl who would run to the rec to work out and then jog home for fun…the girl who ran at noon in the middle of summer in Houston to test the limits of heat stroke I guess, ran two half marathons, loves hot yoga, blah blah blah.  Right?
Only, here’s the thing…I have become practical (sort of).  I must save my joints for years of fun.  I need to use the time available well.  Accountability is better with a buddy.  I never push myself at home like I do in a class.  So, when I saw a friend post that she worked out close by early in the morning, I asked about it.  She said it was great.  I could fit it in every single day.  There was only one problem…it wasn’t cool…or even tough enough.  Lean in.  (She whispers…jazzercise).  Man!  Can I even do it?  Will Richard Simmons be there?  Maybe I could if no one saw me…(ego).  But I went.  I was seen.  I was tagged on Facebook.  Well hell.  I had to get over it.  Guess why?  It is totally great.  One hour…cardio, strength and stretching all taken care of.  It wore me out.  They make me laugh.  They even sent me a postcard!  I’m not getting a bumper sticker or clothing from the official line, but as soon as I stop coughing, I can’t wait to get back to class.  I might even tag myself on Facebook.  Turns out I was wrong.  I love it when that happens and something is a happy surprise.
I do rock.  So do you (that’s what I heard).
DZ

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