I’ve Got to KIll Santa

Posted on December 14, 2013 by attraversiamodarmaz

It’s true. 

I do.

I really don’t want to, but I might be a tiny bit relieved.

I am not sneaky…not at all.

I don’t care for dishonesty even for a magical reason.

I am always honest with my kids, unless I am making up nonsense, but that is altogether different.

Santa is special around here for many reasons.  The only Santa they have ever taken their picture with is my daddy.  They are convinced that he really is Santa…for real.  They have asked questions and gathered evidence for years now.  He has the beard.  His blue eyes twinkle just like the stories say.  His booming laugh is full of good cheer.  Santa also helped me through the worst Christmas ever.  When their baby sister died a few weeks before Christmas, it was a letter from Santa that tried to make sense of such a horrible thing that didn’t make any sense at all.  He told them that hers was the first gift of Christmas.  She knew she didn’t have long, but asked if she might just have 24 hours to know her brothers and sister.  He told them that she was so delighted with each of them and he was proud of them for making her gift so special and he was so sorry that her time was too short.  That Santa, he is a good guy.

But now, I have a third grader, a fifth grader, and a seventh grader.  I am pretty sure my seventh grader is just going along because  believing is fun.  My fifth grader has lots of questions.  He is frustrated and debating about it at school.  He keeps asking me and I hate not being straight with him.  After a long day he brought it up and I said, “Dude, what is with the existential questions?  We are all Santa, ok?”.  It bought me a little time  because I am pretty sure he went to look up that word.  My youngest is all about justice and if he felt tricked he would be heartbroken in a very big way, and I just can’t stand the thought of that.

So, I’m going to go to Pinterest and find that damn letter about how now we can all be a part of the magic of the season and offer up a prayer and hope for the best.  I do realize that I am committing a mass murder here…once Santa is dead, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and whomever else all have numbered days.  Interestingly enough, I do indeed feel the magic in and out of every season.  It is in the warmth of the sun, the twinkle of our eyes, and the draw of that big beautiful full moon.

Here’s hoping I can help them see that too.

Wish me luck.

DZ

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Oh How You Settle My Nerves

Posted on December 13, 2013 by attraversiamodarmaz

Dear Target,
I am ever grateful for my shopping experience. I only started my Christmas shopping yesterday. It seems Christmas will come whether I tackle the list or not, so I might as well. Don’t get me wrong, we are all up in the spirit around here. Lights are twinkling. Music is playing. Handmade gifts for students and teachers have been shared with care. It’s just the crowds…and the stores…and that chemical smell…and carts with wiggle wheels (I always get those and I never take them back – I am NOT one to shy from adversity or a challenge in general you see). It is that commercial side of Christmas I just can’t really get into. We have enough…more than enough really. We need less…simple…connected…real, you know? But alas, I already have one challenge this season (see next post), so this is not the year to freak my kids out with totally boycotting all that doesn’t sit well with my soul…so I will shop.
You know what happens when I sit with discomfort? I revert to old self soothing habits. Chocolate? Hell no! I am in the midst of a challenge people! That is another post on the way. Drinking? Right. If you had my 10 year old, you would keep your wits about you as well. He could run a small country…right now. No, what I do is indulge. This is sort of painful…this noisy place and all of this excess, so I will cross three things off the list and reward myself with…hmmm lotion! Ok! Then I find a shirt for my daughter and I KNOW what she really loves is when we match (I’m not kidding – not even being hopeful – she really loves this), so I HAVE to get one too. You see where I am going here? Right. It is not cheap to get through something unpleasant. This is really against the grain with how things go most of the time (except for art supplies – they don’t count…that is therapy and business).
Target, thank you for hanging with me as I wander through the back story to get to our time together this morning. I’m almost caught up. All I have to add is that I was fine in a few other stores as long as I didn’t look at my watch. When I did look at the time, it was as if I felt the hour of my soul that had been sucked right out of me…true story. I guess the bright spot was the adorable clerk who told me about sales around town as she tallied my damage. She was adorable and kind and totally got away with breaking the leggings are not pants rule.
When I walked in to your red and white tranquility this morning, I knew I could start with a small chai just to begin in a lovely way. My plan was clear…wander through the list, minimize indulging, and stop for calm breathing as needed. Here is what I didn’t expect: Target had diversions built right in for me! It was awesome you guys! I’m not even kidding. It started over the employee walkie talkies. “Alert, will all employees be on the lookout for a cart leaking something. Someone is leaving a trail all over the store.” I checked my cart. It was empty so I was good to go. I was curious about who was having an issue though. Isn’t that interesting? In every other aisle I had nice visits with people restocking – they were so helpful! One did have a lingering gaze, but I am having a good hair day so I’m ok with that I guess. Next, I saw this couple arguing about which toy to get their kid. Who the hell cares? If one of them had given the other a nice big kiss to start the day, I bet they might be holding hands instead of tossing toys. What do I know? I’m happily divorced. I kept running into this other lady in and out of aisles. It became funny after about the third time. I’m fairly certain one fella had gas after I walked by…I was glad he was behind me – eeesh! It was noticeable because Target is as quiet as a library. Have you noticed this? I noticed it first when MC decided to try out a doozy of a curse loud and proud. He did not get a treat that day. The whole store stood still I swear.(but I DIDN’T swear – I did not teach him that word). Another time, he and his brother were yelling “BOOBS!!!” from their cart/cage as we passed by the bras and panties. My daughter and I were so proud. It was a teachable moment for future reference. When she and I were clarifying that she did not indeed have peanuts or nuts of any kind and actually they aren’t called nuts, it is a vagina that you’ve got there when she was maybe too old to be confused, Target helped again. I told her that maybe her brothers didn’t need to learn this word yet (she LOVED teaching them things – taught them after a week at kindergarten to NEVER put your middle finger up because it is a curse right to God – bless her heart) (awesome conversation with one of the boys teachers a few years later about how he said he wasn’t flipping the class off, he was mad at God and telling him so right there during literacy – YESS!!). I told her she could tell them if she was ok with them yelling out vagina all over Target. She looked like that wasn’t ok with her. Helpful yet again! See?
My shopping ended with a clerk with the loveliest combination of braids and pinned curls. I told her so. We were off on a nice visit about hair and boots and life and whatnot. It was much more than checking off the list today. Be that as it may, I might just let Amazon Prime work a little magic for me with the few remaining items. Getting packages is fun too – even if they are not for me!
Happy shopping to you.
May your list be small and your joy be crazy big.
Peace and love,
DZ

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Bless Your Heart

Posted on December 11, 2013 by attraversiamodarmaz

I tell you what…my child knows just what to say…just the words to make his mama’s heart soar.  He saw me working on this
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Which turned into this
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I was telling him about two different times in my life when someone gave me the gift of a little Christmas tree and how it just brought me such joy right when I need it.  I told him I might surprise someone with this tree to pay it forward.  He thought we should plant it in the yard.  He also said that they would know it was me.  “Mom, those are your words.  You say them all the time.  You are all about that positive stuff.  Look here at the door, so happy you are here, and here?  See the good, beside it?  Breathe, and look over there…you are so loved.  Mom, your words bring people in our home and make them want to stay.  See?  They will know it is from you.”
He was so matter of fact.
Just telling it like he sees it.
He had no idea that he might as well have handed his mama a string of diamonds for the love and care he gave.  It feels amazing to be known like this by your nine year old son. 
There was joy in the words…joy in the process…and joy in the photos too!
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Joy.
Get it.
Give it.
Residing in the reason for the season.
Peace and love,
DZ

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Just because

Posted on December 11, 2013 by attraversiamodarmaz

Sometimes my ideas are so silly.  Sometimes they are insanely time consuming.  Sometimes they don’t work out.  When they DO work out?  There is a beautiful happy dance in my brain and joy every time I think of it!  I can try to ignore my ideas.  They behave badly (the ideas) and kick at the dirt like a child who has been told no.
Each year about this time I start getting great ideas about what I would liked to do for my students and the teachers who work with them.  They all work so hard.  I appreciate them.  I love my work.  I REALLY love the idea of my creative work complimenting my education world work.  It makes my balance seeking Libra soul happy. 
Here’s the thing…I usually don’t do it…the ideas.  I run out of time.
This year?  Well, I see such hard work happening.  I see people going above and beyond quite a lot.  I decided I was going to do it!  They might not know all the love and care that went into each step…but I will know and that is sort of the point. So…
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I got out my power tools!!!! (And safety glasses Mama)
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I cut the squares.
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Sanded them.
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Stained each one (32 of those babies :-))
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Printed and cut perfect Theodore Roosevelt quote for those in the ring every single day.
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And then I mod podged them on, and glued the magnet on the back. 
Then I made them toffee.  While it cooled, I sewed little bags for the toffee and decorated the gift bag.
Do you see what I mean?  Silly how long it all took.  It didn’t matter.  It needed to be just so…and it was.  I delivered them and I was happy and it was good.

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Art, Compassion, and Sweet Baby Saige

Posted on November 27, 2013 by attraversiamodarmaz

Seven years ago on November 27 my children’s baby sister was born.  We knew she would be coming, we just didn’t know she had arrived.  We had one perfectly regular 24 hours with her, and then she died.  It is so much more than those 4 words…”and then she died”.  I wrote about the loss.  I wrote about the funeral.  I shared the letter to my children from Santa, which may be the most difficult thing I have ever had to write.  This morning I was reminded of the art, and the gift of the artist, and the compassion of a man I didn’t even know.

His face came to me when I woke up.

I guess that is the story I am to tell today.  We weren’t sure what was wrong, but it was clear something was not right, so I took Saige to the emergency room.  I sat in the waiting area across from a couple who was there with their child.  They had given me a warming blanket to hold her in as her temperature was very low.  Her cheeks were really flushed and she was all snuggled in.  I just sat and looked at her as I held her…listening to the rhythm of the conversation of the couple across from me.  I know a little Spanish.  Their looks of compassion as they snuggled their child were kind and clear.

Saige fought so long and hard all through the night.  I rode in the elevator with she and the team of doctors as they moved her to the picu.  She looked at me with dilated eyes and reached her little arm in my direction.  The doctor said it was ok to give her a kiss, so I did as I held her hand.  It was about 6 in the morning when she just couldn’t fight any longer.  There is this moment when it is over when it is just time to go.  The leaving is the hard part.  Walking down the hallway with the empty baby carrier, I looked up through tears to see the man from the waiting room.  He looked at me and then at the empty carrier and tears streamed down his face as he made the sign of the cross…for me…for her.  I would not know him today.  His compassion in that moment I will never forget.

Walking out into the lobby, I saw this:

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Pulse Flow by Vernon Brejcha

The sunrise coming through his work of art made me stop.  It was so beautiful in this horrible moment.  This artist gave me such a gift right when I needed it.  I have gone back many times just to take pictures or see the sun shine through with a cup of coffee.

The compassion of a stranger. 

The soothing impact of art. 

I sit among these treasures today.

It is good.

DZ

 

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Ass kicking fibromyalgia

Posted on November 26, 2013 by attraversiamodarmaz

Or, more creatively, “The day big shot told you so boss of the world met her match”.
😉
I don’t write much about my fibromyalgia.
We have an understanding, fibro and I…I know I am not in charge and will behave accordingly, and fibro stays on the downlow.
I do not like being told what to do.
I am fussy and I want my way…because I have really good ideas and insight, you see.
A stress induced illness that can lay you flat and leave you shaking and exhausted but not able to sleep is a very cruel bedfellow.
Lifestyle choices keep mine in check.
I know this is not the case for many, so I feel very lucky.
Perhaps this is why I love projects, tearing stuff up, decided to be a foster parent, adopted three kids, and love middle school as a career spot generally. 😉
Because of this, I know I have to sleep more, drink little, and avoid complex carbs and sugar…and stress…stress that I do not reap benefits from.
I listen to my body and respond accordingly.
It all started about 14 years ago I guess…far from my mama and daddy.
That was hard.
Many specialists not knowing what is wrong with you.
It makes you feel like a crazy person.
The sleep issues alone are horrible. No REM sleep…in and out of sleep and when you wake up you freak out because you are awake and on and on.
When you don’t have sleep issues, any number of the 18 points of tenderness can give you fits and an aching body will haul you out of bed just because you have laid still too long.
I love to read…LOVE to read, so much that I bet I could read from sun up until sun down, only holding a book for any length of time doesn’t work very well. Most anything with a repetitive movement or staying in one spot for long…not good.
Brain fog…man – bad deal. People think you speak slowly, or are quite distractable, and I am anyway, but keeping a train of thought and focus can be difficult.
Damn DarmaZ, way to make my day with all this cheer right???
Hang in there because it gets better.

It really DOES get better.
I wrote this draft in 2010 and I don’t know that there is much that I would alter.
I thought I might post this as we are into the mix of holiday which brings stress for many.
Keep it simple.
Be well
DZ

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Pretty Enough?

Posted on November 25, 2013 by attraversiamodarmaz

Isn’t it funny how mamas just know the right words…right when you need to hear them?

My mama is so good like that.

We were talking about life and whatnot and she brought me right back around to so many years ago…a little remembering that suited just right.  She said, “Do you remember what you told me after you visited Auntie Perry in the hospital?”  Now, I was in college at the time and that was many moons ago, people.  I remember exactly what I told her though.  I told her that Auntie Perry told me I was such a pretty girl and for the first time in my entire life I believed those words…because it was her.  She was a hard working woman and would not have been described as pretty.  Her heart and her integrity and the magic of all her hands could create and nurture to grow?  Well, it was just this collection of beautiful.  I knew she was talking about my spirit shining through.

I seem to go in butterfly- like cycles of blooming and growing and I don’t like the dormant internal phase one bit.  They do come around though.  I also go through granola girl chapstick and run out the door with wet hair phases that are received in such an odd way.  When my hair is wet and I am in public, people have looked at me like I forgot my clothes.  It is the oddest thing.  It’s just hair.  It does indicate I might have been without clothes not long ago but cleanliness is a good thing, yes?  Man!  Whatever.  I dry my hair most of the time now.  For a long time all the getting ready stuff seemed like wasted time because I had SO MUCH to do…ALWAYS.  Now?  Well, it sort of feels like decorating my soul so I can dance on through that list in a twirling joyful sort of way.

What in the world does this have to do with anything?  Including that picture up there?  I’ll tell you…it’s about doing what I love, me, my daughter, the holiday season, and a longing for something more.

I LOVE that picture of me.  The texture.  The color.  The silhouette.  My sprig and wisps of hair are just recognizable of my mid-project hairdo.  I love that my face is not there…just a shadow of me and my art.  It brings me joy and fills me up and I think that adds more to my smile than anything I put on my lips.

When I met my baby girl, she was 4 years old.   Talk about bringing me joy and filling me up?  She smiles and lights up the room.  Her chocolate eyes, perky cocoa puff on top, and this beautiful skin that makes every color she wears look like it was made just for her.  Never in a million years would I have guessed that my beautiful girl would look in the mirror and not like what she found.  We are in middle school now.  It is hard to not want to be like everyone else I think…to trust that you really are fearfully and wonderfully made just exactly as you were intended to be.  Telling her she is pretty is not enough.  Feeling pretty with adornments isn’t enough either.

It was an errand for her that sent me off to the stores.  I was met with the chaos of the holiday season and I was so overwhelmed I just wanted to run right back out.  It was loud and crowded and just felt wrong.  It felt like I was surrounded by pretty adornments that were missing the point.  I love Christmas music, holiday lights, days and days of average holiday movies…where is my holiday spirit???  I think what I have come to is that sparkle and pretty just isn’t enough.

I want more.

I want that deep down beautiful that comes straight from your soul and shines in all that you do and connects with everyone you meet in a real and present way.  I want that for me, for her, for you if you’d like, and all through this season of gratitude and good cheer.

Time to choose to shine I think.

Peace, love, and beautiful connections,

DZ

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Counting our blessings and whatnot

Posted on November 20, 2013 by attraversiamodarmaz

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I have heard it takes 30 days to create a habit.  After 30 days of practice, it is supposed to be easier to do whatever it is you are practicing than to not do it. 

In 2010, I decided to walk through the cold into the warmth of spring with a friend of mine.  On one of those walks she told me about Project 365 which is actually a photograph a day but she was thinking of doing a grateful picture a day.  I thought this was a great idea.  I was walking through some stressful times and that sounded like a smart thing to do.  That year I didn’t start on the first day of the year, so it was only 358.  I printed a book of all of my daily grateful photos with their caption.  Here is my note in the front of that book:

It is true.  I am forever changed. 

Today, I have practiced daily gratitude for 1,409 days since that first day in 2010.  That is a lot of gratefuls.  There were some pretty awful days in there.  Today was a little rough to be honest.  The thing is, my mind can’t help but reach for all that is right in the midst of whatever else is spinning around me.  Things have a way of spilling over into one another…work, hobbies, kids, other people who think this way too, church, just all sorts of overlap in many directions.

It seems to be more now.  So I am grateful…so what?  Now what?  I love many words, but lately LOVE WINS just keeps rolling through.  It really does.  If I realize all that I have, then it seems time to practice love just for the sake of love – with no thought or need of what is expected in return.  This is the message I have heard from more than one source.  Can you imagine how cool that feels?  For friends, for strangers, for colleagues, for family, neighbors, whomever – for ourselves.  What if we put it all out there because that is who we are and what we need to do with no worry or fear about what is to be returned.  That is not for us to worry about.

So far, I have to tell you it feels pretty good.

These leather cuffs are just one little example.  It all started for my son.  Then I was able to do for others.  Then each time I shared my story and it resonated with someone else it was just the coolest thing.  So now, in this month where so many are posting gratefuls for each day – 30 days, it is pretty exciting to think about the ripples in the works.  If by chance you would like to wear these words and help to remind yourself beyond this bountiful month of gratitude right into the rush of December and beyond, Encore Boutique will gladly hook you up in a friendly and delightful way. 

Most importantly, my wish for you today is that you feel fully the weight of each and every blessing bestowed upon you and your worries roll off your back like rain or scatter to the floor as you sleep.  You are loved beyond measure and exactly as you were intended to be.  This world needs just what you have to offer.

All my love,

DZ

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Along this guided path…

Posted on November 12, 2013 by attraversiamodarmaz

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I really absolutely adore so many things about creating these leather cuffs with just the right words someone might want to wear.  I love that it all began with the right words for my son when he was really struggling.  Even more amazing that I can wrap friends up in the right words when they have lost a loved one.  It just goes on and on.  Tonight I was checking in on my son who had minor surgery today.  I hadn’t seen him in the bracelet that sort of started it all lately and yet, when I found him, he had wrapped his iv spot in his mama’s words and I just can’t think of anything more lovely.  It doesn’t take the pain away.  It’s not magic.  It just reminds him that he is loved and he is not alone.  What more do we really need when times are tough…or even when we have joy to share?  That’s really the point of it all I think. 
It was so gratifying to experience visiting with people at a benefit as I sold my cuffs (which I don’t usually do…I am lucky to know amazing professionals who rock that piece).  I just talked about what I do and why and how and noticing how my story resonated with others was just another layer of lovely.  Watching them find just the right word for themselves or their daughter or their friend?  It was all this beautiful pile of good smashed up on a weekday evening.
It makes you wonder…is it really supposed to be this good?  Who wants to walk around feeling all mushy and glowing?  I think it is, and I guess I will try to get used to it (odds are I will step on a Lego in the morning, but whatever…it’s still just golden around here).

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Trusting the process.

Posted on November 12, 2013 by attraversiamodarmaz

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I had BIG plans for this canvas.  It was going to be a bit more multimedia than I’ve done and a background with a meaningful message for me.  Yes!  Only, I got stuck…right here.  I didn’t have the words yet, so I set it aside (my creative space had many asides waiting their turn).  Then one Sunday in church I heard it…the right message!  I don’t recall if it was a song (sometimes it is), or the sermon (sometimes it is), but it was just right.  I took the scribble pad for little Methodists and wrote those words on one little sheet and tucked them into my purse for safe keeping.  Do you hear the foreshadowing music?  You know what happened, right?  Who knows what the words were or where that little slip of paper went.  I let it go…must not have been the right thing.  Then, as I was observing in a classroom, it happened again!  I get all sorts of great ideas from these classrooms I visit my friends.  This time it was an Anais Nin quote…just right.  I had an idea about the color, and I always have an idea about the texture…good grief I love texture!  I didn’t know about the tree…it just sort of grew in the middle.  Each step of the way I take a picture just in case I don’t like what happens next…at least I have a photo before the mess happened.  You would think I would learn…I am always satisfied in the end.
The right words come. 
Each step of the way is necessary.
Patience goes a long way.
Trying to force the wrong thing just might cause us to miss the right thing.
This feels like the end of art/life philosophy 101 for today;) 
Dream big, then trust the process so you live that big dream of yours. 
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DZ

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