Oh bother!

Posted on November 3, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

I broke my once a month pattern.
There was no post for October.
This is not ok.
I love October…don’t you?
Time to post in a habitual, chronic sort of way I think.

For today, I am wondering about this democratic process.  For those who rocked the vote…I wonder how many gathered information to decide who they most agreed with or least offended them realizing the bias of the sources of information.  To be a responsible participant of the democratic process takes a level of attention, I fear, many don’t give to anything.

Posted in Random | Tagged | 1 Comment

Where the hell are you from anyway???

Posted on September 13, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

The way I speak has been a topic of conversation more than a few times.
In middle school there was good natured teasing about my oh so proper speech.
I overcompensated into a lazy speech pattern that had to drive my mama crazy.
After a drink or two in college, it was difficult to discern where I might be from.
Moving to Houston did not help.
Soon after my arrival in KC, a student asked me why I talked all “country”.
Funny…that…because I soon noticed in the middle of KC lots of people “talk country” when getting after ornery behavior.  I wonder why that is.
I think after my kids arrived on the scene I was much more careful about clear speaking. 
Maybe too careful.
After my first day of class at UMKC?
One of my students asked me if I was from New York!
I laughed…a lot.
She did too when I told her I have never been anywhere NEAR New York!
One too many read alouds in character I guess!

Posted in education, Random, self talk | Tagged | Leave a comment

Tidy

Posted on August 29, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

My bathroom has been feng shuid.
The clutter is gone.
Surfaces are clear.
Everything has a little spot under the sink in the cabinet.
It makes me feel like I am in a hotel.
And under that sink is like one of those little clown cars where they just keep coming out?
Not sure I like it.
I give it a week.

Posted in decorating/style, Random, self talk | Tagged | Leave a comment

Good

Posted on August 29, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

All is well.
Good.
Fine and dandy even I guess.
Everyone is doing very well in school.
I am beginning to see a routine in my work hours.
Our schedule is coming together.
Good.
Except…
Well…
Just this one little thing…
Not a big deal really.
Just a note for any kindergarteners who might be reading…or preschoolers on the way…
If it is the Friday morning of your first whole week of school…
And you all give your mama a big kiss and head into the building for the day…
It is ok if you need to turn around once and wave…
She will be waiting to wave back.
Only…maybe you will just skip on into the building without a care in the world.
That is mostly good I guess.
Good.

Posted in Family | Tagged | Leave a comment

Dear BB

Posted on August 16, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

Time has gone so fast!
I can still see that little man face when I lifted the blanket for the first time.
You came with no instructions.
Such a guessing game.
I did too much reading about all the what ifs.
I was scared to put you down…to leave you…for fear of the unknown and all the “possibilities”.
You just seemed to grow and radiate joy exponentially each day.
Healthier, stronger, and smiles that lit up a room.
Each night as I put you to sleep, I would whisper in your ear that you were an amazing prince, born of kings, already overcoming insurmountable odds…destined for greatness…sleep well and safe with all my love.
Somewhere in the threes I think the wrestling to bed took over and I stopped whispering these words to you.
So, tonight…
I will tell you again.
You have risen above statistics.
Grown strong and brave with a loving heart in tact.
New people and places are scary sometimes.
You will shine, just as you have.
And I will be waiting to hear all about it.
You are fine.
And I am here.





Posted in education, Family | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

2 Days

Posted on August 16, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

I have two days left.
Two days until I am called for a task I am not certain I can handle.
I have walked blindly through much with crazy belief and who knows what else to lead me.
I get through.
It is just…this time?
Well, shit…he’s my baby…you know?
He has been ornery.
And difficult.
And storming.
And fighting.
And in some ways this is good.
Easier for both of us when it is time.
Only now?
When his brother and sister aren’t listening?
His eyes get anxious.
And his little face crumbles.
And he says, “please…PLEASE…don’t make me go. Don’t make me leave you all day Mom.”
It just happened again.
Before he went to sleep.
I calmed him down.
I let him know that eventually yes, high school does come aways down the road after kindergarten, but that is a worry for another day.
I was relieved that he asked to sit on my lap and dry his tears on my shoulder.
I am pretty sure he didn’t feel my tears dropping on his head.
How do I do this?
I have two days to build nerves of steel and Jesus only knows what else.
So that, just in case, on that morning when I turn him over to them…if his face should crumble when it is time for me to go…
I just have to be able to smile and be all together for him until I get out the door.
Please let me just get out the fucking door before I fall to pieces for a minute or two.

Posted in education, Family | Tagged | Leave a comment

Pathetic

Posted on August 7, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

You know you are worn out when crawling across the bed to turn out the light feels like a really long way.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

13 days

Posted on August 5, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

In 13 days it will be the first day of school.
In 15 days BB will go to all day kindergarten for the first time.
There is a bit of anxiety about these two things.
There are a few things left to pack into summer.
A couple supplies are missing from the list (you know the elusive one or two things??)
There has been arguing.
Lots of fun too.
My first time with everyone in school all day.
They still need me…I am cool with this transition.
I love being the mama of big kids.
I think sometimes it is easy to overlook ways that they will always need you.
A new thing this summer is jumping off the diving boards.
This made me stop and think…I breath easy when they reach the ladder.
BB waves at me each time before he jumps.
Even when they stop waving and looking for you overtly, do they ever really stop wanting you to watch them jump?
I don’t think so.
Breathing and balancing a love of now and a smile to what is up next.

Posted in education, Family | Tagged | Leave a comment

Sometimes assumptions don’t make you an ass

Posted on August 5, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

I really like listening.
A favorite from long ago was basking by the pool at my aunt’s in Florida listening to the retired ladies from New Jersey visit.  LOVE this!
At home, the kids keep me pretty intrigued.
Sometimes their assumptions have me wondering though…
There were a couple awhile back I just couldn’t figure a source from.  The first was about Texas.  We were talking about I don’t remember what and one of the boys says, “but do they even have roads in Texas???”
And a few weeks later we were turning a corner and one of the boys gestured at the stop sign and said, “that right there?  They do not even have those in California…no stop lights either.”
Maybe our world is a bit small.
I kind of like it that way…mostly.
I was driving home from a long work day and found myself watching license plates.  Then I started noticing my thinking…I like to think about my thinking, you know?  Examine filters and whatnot?  Well anyway, what I realized was that I made silly assumptions too!  Everytime I saw Florida plates I just kind of figured someone drove a long ways…but then I would see California plates and assume it must be a rental…when I realized this, I thought a bit more…???  Why these assumptions?
Not sure really.
Best I came up with was who the hell wouldn’t get in a car and drive away from gators and why the hell would someone drive all the way here from the West coast.
After that, roads and stop sign wonderings are not so far fetched I guess.
I really can’t know.
🙂

Posted in Family, Random, self talk | Tagged | Leave a comment

Feng shui, oy vey!

Posted on August 3, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

Hello lovely.
It has been awhile!
There is much flying fast and furious around here, and yet…it feels a bit like I am moving in slow motion.  Odd, huh?
I think this is a good sign.
I am quite comfortable at a fast and furious pace…not much time to stop and think.
It is good to stop and think.
I think…
😉
Also, I have come back to my feng shui books.
I think I better understand this time around.
I am ready to hear the intended message instead of “here is a reason to go buy stuff”.
Pretty much boils down to living purposefully with what you have, where you have it, making sure it all lines up with who you are and where and how you care for life to be.
Sort of.
Making room in your living space and consequently in your life.
Powerful thought processes.
I began at a break neck pace because I realized that my prosperity corner was the back of my garage!
Can you say oh shit?
I did!
Got that straightened out and it has been a bit of a chain reaction from there.
So that is me these days…breathing…thinking…clearing clutter in house and head.
Good times!

Posted in books, decorating/style, Random, self talk | Tagged | Leave a comment