I have two days left.
Two days until I am called for a task I am not certain I can handle.
I have walked blindly through much with crazy belief and who knows what else to lead me.
I get through.
It is just…this time?
Well, shit…he’s my baby…you know?
He has been ornery.
And difficult.
And storming.
And fighting.
And in some ways this is good.
Easier for both of us when it is time.
Only now?
When his brother and sister aren’t listening?
His eyes get anxious.
And his little face crumbles.
And he says, “please…PLEASE…don’t make me go. Don’t make me leave you all day Mom.”
It just happened again.
Before he went to sleep.
I calmed him down.
I let him know that eventually yes, high school does come aways down the road after kindergarten, but that is a worry for another day.
I was relieved that he asked to sit on my lap and dry his tears on my shoulder.
I am pretty sure he didn’t feel my tears dropping on his head.
How do I do this?
I have two days to build nerves of steel and Jesus only knows what else.
So that, just in case, on that morning when I turn him over to them…if his face should crumble when it is time for me to go…
I just have to be able to smile and be all together for him until I get out the door.
Please let me just get out the fucking door before I fall to pieces for a minute or two.