Gah!

Girls, I just must wonder…

Why is it that we are not obsessed with our nether regions?  Yes, I can say the word vagina, I just really hate that word…sort of like perpendicular…I don’t like the way that one rolls off the tongue either.  Anyway, why is this?  Is it because we are all tucked in and safe?  We need not wonder if we have lost anything?

I really didn’t realize…the extent of this obsession until my boys arrived. 

This is not something that happens when they are teenagers.  You laugh.  I didn’t KNOW!  OKAY, I knew a little bit…when I taught first and second grade…I guess there were moments where I did have to say…here’s a fun game…everyone put your hands on your desk…RIGHT NOW!  or maybe…”those shorts are ever so cute, but maybe not the right ones for school…” 

This began with their grasp development I swear.  The conversation began as language was aquired…no kidding.  MC is much more verbal about it than his brother, but the love and admiration is the same I am sure.

When MC was three, there was a window of time where I quickly went and bought five pairs of overall shorts and he had to wear them everyday to preschool.  His teacher told me she just couldn’t get to him fast enough when he decided to say, “Hey look and what I have!!  Do you have one?”  THEN, if they didn’t respond fast enough, he would want to peek and see indeed if they did!  The overalls were magic.  He was not happy.  It took long enough to get access that the teacher could get to him and derail the big reveal.

My mama was particularly (see now why am I ok with the word particularly but not perpendicular…who can know?) amused by MC’s song and dance about this time as well.  He loved to run around naked before his bath and shout at the top of his lungs while jumping up and down all about how he loved his penis.  Then, there was this little ga ding ding ding ding chorus he would sing while jumping that would really crack him up.  These things…a sign of a creative spirit?  healthy body image?  Exhibitionist in the making?  Who can know…

Fast forward about a year and I knew I had some clarifying to do when my DAUGHTER asked me about her peanuts. ” WHAT??”  and “oh, honey…let’s talk.”

It is really important to me that the kids never receive this message that you should not talk about your private area, or touch it for heaven’s sake.  There will be no “going to hell” messages sent round here.  I just say, “you are in a room with other people…that is not appropriate.”  Perhaps I have made them too comfortable???

Not long ago, BB was getting into the shower and he turned to me and said (while I was totally clothed in workout gear mind you), “Hey Mom, I see your penis.”  I told him this was not possible for a number of reasons.  He said, “Okay, well I see your tentacles then.”  I said, “Baby, I do not have those either, and neither do you…HOWEVER…you and your testicles are getting in the shower now.” 

See?  I am ok with using the right vocabulary…just not THAT word.  It is bad enough when we are at Target (which is as quiet as a library) and we go past women’s undergarments and the boys yell, “BOOOBS!!!”.  So help me Jesus, if they yelled out vaginas I would walk away and leave them behind.  Okay, probably only for an aisle or two until the crowd scattered.

My latest entry, I think…would be last night.  The boys were supposed to be quietly falling off to sleep.  Instead they were talking about their testicles…I know…is this what brothers do?  really?  So, BB says something about his, and MC says…only Dr. so and so touches you there!   We are very specific with the kids about ok touches and not ok touches.  I concur when he says this, “yep…your doctor does this to make sure you are healthy.”  MC thinks this is funny.  He says “ha!  How do they know you are healthy by touching your testicles?  Oh hey Mom does that mean that YOUR doctor touches your crotch to see if you are healthy?”

“yes.go.to.sleep.”

Hell.