Reality Check

Tuesday was pretty tough (and I don’t think it was all about Zumba withdrawl – although I’m quite sure Zumba would have helped!). I was slapped in the face with the reality that my beautiful children have been through some tough times and sometimes there is NOTHING I can do to compensate for that…other than ride the wave with them. That, my friends, sucks!
The good thing, I guess, is that when Mr. Z and I realized what had been going on, we were able to work together and create new boundaries for 2 children who let us know that they needed them. It also allowed us to have a conversation about how at different developmental stages, old baggage will surface…we can’t just “fix it” with hugs and “a firm hand” and be done with it. At first Mr. Z thought I was making excuses. He then realized and agreed that the kids WERE being held accountable for actions but also it is critical to realize the possible whys because it has everything to do with the way to respond.
I have learned from experience, studies, and our family therapist who knows a lot about attachment disorder in adoptive children that the way you respond in most every situation is the opposite of your instinct. Instead of time out, you have time in…a lack of high emotion reaction is imperative(and perhaps this works well in many situations), and the ratio(5 to 1) of positive exchanges to redirections for “normal” children needs to be at least quadrupled – if not even more – which feels insane sometimes!
All of this and still there are times where all you can do is clean up the mess and try to hear the message being sent by the behavior. It is really SO VERY HARD to remember that…that most behaviors are just communicating a need or message. All misbehavior is certainly a window into the needs of your child. Now I sound like I’m in some education meeting – it is so much easier to be clinical that feel the frustration of being a mom.
That’s life in the big city:) (today, anyway!)

About attraversiamodarmaz

Midwestern girl who loves big city shopping (note - do not love high heels of any kind) * hate to say that first because I fancy myself a yoga chic too who is into feng shui and a minimalist life but it's just not all true!* I do forget to recycle* LOVE reading and music and most things crafty (the idea of them - very fickle and creative urges come and go faster than light or sound)* Grand chef and baker in my own mind and kitchen - love to mix and match recipes for a glorious new concoction* Gardening would be very successful - I have a flair but short attention span can cause casualties* True bliss is my home filled with three beautiful children (four on the weekends - an amazing Goddaughter)* did forget to feed the beautiful children lunch once when they were too small to remind me* can't find socks for all on some crazy mornings* I'm a learner who just can't help it...a writer in my head, and a college instructor for a half dozen classes a year* can't help my right brain optimism* been a foster mom* am a very grateful mom of adopted children* worst life moment: leaving the E.R. with an empty baby carrier* this is me...pretty much
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