So…
Tuesday was pretty tough (and I don’t think it was all about Zumba withdrawl – although I’m quite sure Zumba would have helped!). I was slapped in the face with the reality that my beautiful children have been through some tough times and sometimes there is NOTHING I can do to compensate for that…other than ride the wave with them. That, my friends, sucks!
The good thing, I guess, is that when Mr. Z and I realized what had been going on, we were able to work together and create new boundaries for 2 children who let us know that they needed them. It also allowed us to have a conversation about how at different developmental stages, old baggage will surface…we can’t just “fix it” with hugs and “a firm hand” and be done with it. At first Mr. Z thought I was making excuses. He then realized and agreed that the kids WERE being held accountable for actions but also it is critical to realize the possible whys because it has everything to do with the way to respond.
I have learned from experience, studies, and our family therapist who knows a lot about attachment disorder in adoptive children that the way you respond in most every situation is the opposite of your instinct. Instead of time out, you have time in…a lack of high emotion reaction is imperative(and perhaps this works well in many situations), and the ratio(5 to 1) of positive exchanges to redirections for “normal” children needs to be at least quadrupled – if not even more – which feels insane sometimes!
All of this and still there are times where all you can do is clean up the mess and try to hear the message being sent by the behavior. It is really SO VERY HARD to remember that…that most behaviors are just communicating a need or message. All misbehavior is certainly a window into the needs of your child. Now I sound like I’m in some education meeting – it is so much easier to be clinical that feel the frustration of being a mom.
That’s life in the big city:) (today, anyway!)