The P word

Posted on January 10, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

I hate this word…
Seemingly innocent enough…
Cheerful, perky, yet segregating and a menace wrapped in a pretty bow.
I recall so very long ago a lovely friend asking me quite earnestly to deconstruct the social strata for her, so she might better fit in…ever the helpful Darma I actually tried! Why she thought I would be the one to ask is a good place to begin wondering, why I didn’t tell her they can take a jump if they don’t adore who you are as you are is another good point to ponder…
Much further down the road, as a middle school teacher I observed the pain and isolation of those “on the outside looking in”. Trying to help students find their place can be a very delicate line to walk. One of my eighth graders and I were talking about how nervous she was at the thought of moving on to the high school. She said, “I bet you were homecoming queen, weren’t you?!”.
I laughed a lot at that.
Funny what confidence can do and project….
Anyhoo – I have found I enjoy listening to this, oddly enough – Kristin is a funny girl!

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Morning musings…or…Come hither Blue Canary

Posted on January 10, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

I woke up this morning with this song shouting in my head.
Time to get started I guess;)

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Controlling chaos…

Posted on January 8, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

“All right, all right!!!!  I hear you all, clamoring at my door!  I look forward to a visit with each of you, but for now I will require your patience and cooperation.  If you would please find your way to my office in an orderly fashion, we can get started.”  (words can be so pushy!  jeesh!)

I am not sure what to do…

When it rains, sometimes it pours…and I have just been drenched in wonderful quotes from every direction!

In my haste to not lose a single lovely phrase, I initially thought of just having one post of all these beautiful quotes that have presented themselves to me in such an urgent manner, but this will just not do.  It would be understating their beauty – to line them up like little soldiers.

And so I begin, on this day with beautiful words from Brian Andreas of Story People.

“Every morning I try and remember to be alive, he said, and then I count the hours until I get to go to sleep again.  It makes for a certain creative tension, he added.”

This man and his way with words…heavenly days!  I so encourage you to linger at his site and visit often because there is always another collection of words that makes you pause and wish you had said it just like that!

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The Walk of Life

Posted on January 8, 2010 by attraversiamodarmaz

Peace, Love, and Craziness…
That is what she said, and she is right. I love it when people put a big concept in a neat little container for me. I love neat little containers.
2010 is all about peace, love, and craziness.
Life is for the living, and I think I could do a bit better. If I were to make a list of the top ten things that make me happy, and then look at how often these things occur, I don’t think the numbers would speak favorably sports fans!
Here is the interesting thing…the only barrier usually is just me and making the choice to take time for these windows of joy shining in.
I am intentionally swinging the windows wide open and sticking my face out to absorb every bit of joy that happens by…
My first joyful venture has been the decision to begin walking at least 3.5 miles everyday outside despite crazy cold in Kansas City right now.
I decided to walk a 5K in January, a 10K in February, and a half marathon at the end of March.
Just seemed like a funny thing to start in the middle of the cold that I generally avoid…and doing funny things makes me laugh…and I do so love to laugh!
Off I go, to shake what Mama gave me…out in the Kansas City cold;)

Blessed by Brett Dennen

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No place like home. “And where do you consider home?”, she asked while admiring the sparkling ruby color at her feet.

Posted on December 30, 2009 by attraversiamodarmaz

Where is home to you?
Where you grew up?
Where you are now?
Where ever the wind takes you?
When I am just talking in a random, everyday sense…home is Kansas City.
When I am speaking quite specifically, home is Iowa. Home is Mom and Dad.
For so many years now, the only thing that stays the same is change. Perhaps that is why running to Iowa to burrow in my parents house is so very comforting. I have not ventured out to see friends while home for so very many years.
Until now.
I wonder if it is because my kids are finally big enough that it is just a tiny bit easier. I wonder if it is because I am getting comfortable with change being the constant.
Maybe it is Facebook.
Who can know.
What I DO know is that I am ever so excited to be home, and about to toss on my boots and head out and see lovely friends from long ago.
After that, I will head back home and have a wonderful evening with new friends who have become so dear.
I guess for now home is where me and my three little kittens who often lose their mittens happen to be.

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Wake me when you’ve had a revolution in your heart.

Posted on December 29, 2009 by attraversiamodarmaz

I have a t shirt with this quote on it. I really love these words all together. They resonate with me in so many ways. There is this implication of toe tapping…this is me. I do not love this about myself, but sometimes I am judgemental, and frustrated with the timeline of someone’s growth and development. I would like to clarify that I am MUCH more demanding of myself than anyone else, but you know…thou shalt not judge and all that….I am stuck on the not judging chapter one of Deepak Chopra’s Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. I refuse to read the other chapters until I get this one down. I digress…really?!
Around this time of year, I also much prefer the word revolution to resolution. Being resolved to do something just doesn’t seem as powerful as a REVOLUTION!!
Once a year is really not working for me either…I have way too much work to do to set things straight once a year. This is a daily conversation for me who can become easily distracted.
Thank you for the gift of this day. How might I use this gift of a day for my purpose here.
Every day is different, lest you think this is lofty and wise or even “Mother Theresa ish” at all. Not so. Some days I do grapple with the woes of the world. Some days I really need to remember to sing and dance with BB. I need to sit and think and explore every nook and cranny of my crazy self and see what all it is I am supposed to be giving a whirl. This takes a lot of time and attention.
I have found it is easier to focus on such challenging things when my mind is not sluggish from sugar.

Perhaps I should give up sugar for 2010;)
May your joy surpass your tears.
I wish you the courage to walk the path laid out before you – listening.
Peace out.

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Stupid Sad Christmas Songs

Posted on December 25, 2009 by attraversiamodarmaz

Perhaps I don’t need to call them stupid, the sad Christmas songs. Every time I hear that damn song about the little boy buying shoes for his mama before she goes to meet Jesus…too much I tell you. Too many connections I suppose…Saige died in early December three years ago, and I did get to the hospital to say goodbye to a sister in law too late several years ago, and oddly, when I was 5 and my Grandma died, my parents tell me I really really wanted to see her feet…in the casket…I was very much wondering what pretty shoes she was wearing.
Anyway, I just wonder…do these heartbreaking songs make anyone feel better? Or perhaps they just start the tears that needed to come anyway. For me, this morning when the song ended and my eyes were all full, my bouncing BB enters at the very right moment and says, “Hey, Mom!”. Now I didn’t turn right away…clearing the tears, you know…so he says again and really loud right behind me, “HEYYYYYYYYYY MOOOOOMM!!”. A gift of comic relief right when I needed it most:)
I’ve attached the letter Santa left for the kids three years ago, as well as the one they will receive in the morning.
I love that big guy! For now, his words heal hurting little hearts and that, well, that is enough.

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The Three Questions

Posted on December 24, 2009 by attraversiamodarmaz

This is a wonderful children’s book written by Jon Muth based upon the writing of Leo Tolstoy. The three question are : When is the best time to do things? Who is the most important one? What is the right thing to do?”
It seems to me…when life gets just a bit disconnected or off center, the right person, right song, right memory just presents itself when you need it most. I.LOVE.THAT. Serendipity, you know?
I think that is why I am so hung up on this Willie Nelson song, Maria Shut Up and Kiss Me. What in the world would it be about that song? Other than the first verse, perhaps…
“That’s my favorite part
Rewind my life on
When my world got dark
And you turned my light on
I’ve watched it for hours and hours again in my head, I did.”
Quite comforting to figure these kind of things out…turns out I do not secretly want Maria to shut up and kiss me. Whatever:)
But rather, the reminder of how the right thing/person/song/photo at the right moment – THAT is the good stuff right there.
Good stuff indeed.

Maria SHut Up and Kiss Me

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La mia famiglia

Posted on December 24, 2009 by attraversiamodarmaz

The holidays remind me of crowded Sunday afternoons at my grandma’s house. Everyone found somewhere to perch…we never seemed to run out of food…and whether or not you agreed on politics, religion, or rock and roll vs. country this was just a place where you belonged.
My mama was number nine out of twelve, and many of her siblings were in the area, so I had a lot of cousins running about. Once in high school I was driving with a friend and as he was telling me all about how he thought I was related to half the town, a guy just done with a hard day’s work crossed the street in front of us. Smarty pants that he was, he says, “I spose you are related to him too!”.
How was I to know it was my cousin Eric??? 🙂
In college, more than once I ran into my cousin who was several years older…once at the bar where I worked. I happened to be waiting to meet a “date”. He was late. My cousin said, “I think I’ll just wait with you ’til he gets here.”. I really don’t remember how the conversation went when my date arrived, but I remember this double edged sword of warm feelings regarding my cousin’s protective nature and my worry over what might happen to the guy who kept his cousin waiting:)
My children don’t have this…a big clan and that sense of belonging that comes with running into family here and there. No big Sunday gatherings. Sad.
When I go to pick up our Goddaughter, many times I so enjoy grabbing a seat and just visiting. My Goddaughter’s mama has a big family and there are always people around. It feels nice…to sit among family…sometimes even someone else’s.
I hope this holiday season brings joy, peace, memories, and much time sitting with the ones who love you best.

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Sweet Baby Saige

Posted on December 20, 2009 by attraversiamodarmaz

I can’t believe it has been three years…
We anxiously awaited your arrival. When we got the call, it was a snow day, so CNN and I jumped in the car and were off to Target to provide for your every need. We had so much fun choosing just the perfect things for the sweet baby girl soon to arrive at our door.
And then you were here…and you were beautiful…and perfect…and we loved you and adored you for 24 hours.
And then you were gone.
They worked so hard…trying to save you.
I watched.
You fought so hard…trying to stay.
I saw.
24 golden hours.
You were loved.
You are missed.

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