You know those moments? The ones that cause you to stop and look around and remember how you got to here? Yep.
Just last night I was reading an old post from when MC was 5. We were having trouble locating his invisible boat. It made me laugh and it made me tired.
Each step of the way has been quite a lot of mountain climbing for us. Some days we hit a rough patch and slide back asswards on a slippery slope losing ground only to dust ourselves off and head back where we need to be the next day.
When you are a divorced mama with a child with challenges you (I) sort of reside in this perpetual cycle of adrenaline playing zone all by yourself being as proactive as you can while you dance and put out fires as they come. There is plenty of fun along the way too. It is just sort of an always on alert situation.
As you power through, you have less energy and space in your head for fun with friends. You are either resting from what just happened or preparing for what is up next. The way that I kept going was just not stopping much. Not connecting with friends. Not taking time for me. Not the best way to make it through.
This has improved. I have gotten better about breathing and connecting and just trying to slow down. No matter what the day brings, it is ok to stop and breathe.
Things have shifted. I don’t need to save the day as often as I used to. They are showing me again and again that we are slowly but surely getting there and I can stop with my mama warrior persona and let them do their thing…because they can.
What do I do with all my save the day energy???
I watch my MC deliver his George Washington presentation again and again to a really overstimulating room and just shine like crazy. Then I leave. I let he and his brother handle their homework all on their own…and I breathe. Their sister’s homework is already done because she is a rockstar. I get to watch basketball while they play because I can.
I make lunch plans because I know I won’t get an SOS call from a school. I knock out my work list because the snow days are over. I make art and remember everything that just brings me so much joy.
I look back and assure myself that while I can thrive and even dance in the middle of those damn storms…I’m actually just fine lounging in the serene waters too.
It’s ok to stand down. It seems Mr. Washington can take it from here.