I am so grateful that MJ has continued to be a part of our lives.  There is a price for the joy though.  She will be two in about a month, and I think as she gets older it might get a bit more complicated…for some time now, when we take her home after her 24 hours at our house…it’s not that she’s scared or doesn’t want to see them, she just glares at us or looks at the floor…mad that we are leaving her.  It is just heartbreaking!  I tell her, “I’ll see you in 6 days!!” but she doesn’t understand.  I wonder if she thinks that I am the one who gave her up…who made a choice and let her go to another family…

I know she is loved by many surrounding her…that love just plays out differently.  The life surrounding her there seems more tenuous…temporary…a crisis could come anytime and children just ride the wave.  I wonder if I have come between she and her mother…I hope not.  I think a lot of her mom and consider her a friend.  We are different in our approach to motherhood.  I enjoy all the family gathered there whenever we stop by.  I regret that my children do not experience that.

When MJ is preschool age, I am going to offer that she stay here during the school week, as the schools are better.  Mr. Z says her mom will not go for that.  It’s okay if she doesn’t…I will offer all the same.  She just has so much on her shoulders all the time…she’s a caretaker to many and primarily responsible for the bills.  I wonder if given an out…a reprieve with a good excuse…if she might come out from under a bit of that responsibility.  I’ll offer…

I knew it wouldn’t be easy.  The boys are sometimes frustrated when she is here.  They say this is not her home and she is not a part of our family and she wants all my attention.  We just talk about how she is a part of our family and how much she loves us and loves coming here.  It is getting better now that she’s big enough to play with them more and show them love and attention.

Following your guided path is an interesting journey and often makes no sense to anyone around you:)

Have a beautiful Thursday!

(I reread this and the flow or lack there of sounds a bit mechanical…but that is really the way my thoughts flow on this overwhelming issue – mechanically so as not to be swept away)